How Battling My Perfectionism Defeated My Obesity

Perfectionism kept me obese for years. The problem was that weight loss felt like a huge important task, a life or death situation, and I was paralyzed in inaction. Because the task felt so important, mistakes felt unacceptable. I used to think my perfectionism was a good thing. I thought it made me a high achiever. When I was in school, my perfectionism looked like this: I would study for hours for every test, quizzing myself until I was sure I knew it all. Even missing a single question was enough to make me cry and feel like an absolute failure. I connected my self-worth to my grades. If I got all A's, that meant I was an A+ person. I do not know where this belief came from, but my suspicion is that I was just born this way. My parents were always telling me to stop being so hard on myself, that it wasn’t the end of the world if I got a B. Despite their pleading, I just couldn’t loosen up.

In my twenties, I subscribed to a wonderful little newsletter called The FlyLady. She sent out daily morning musings, and she said a lot of women have messy houses because they are perfectionists. This was the first time I’d ever considered that perfectionism might lead to poor results. That thought percolated in the back of my mind for years. In 2014, I began reading a lot of self-help books and listening to motivational talks. Time and time again, perfectionism was painted not as the friend, but as the enemy of progress and success. I began to ponder whether perhaps my perfectionism and my obesity were related. As it turns out, they were intertwined to such an extent that defeating obesity was really about defeating my perfectionism. Every time I won a small battle in the war on my perfectionism, I had better weight loss results. To show you what I mean, I’m going to take you through four specific examples from my own journey.

Fasting

In 2015, I would do really well with fasting most of the time. I'd have a nice streak going until Sunday morning, when my husband would make our family homemade chocolate chip pancakes from scratch for breakfast. This Sunday morning ritual was one he had begun years before. I loved this tradition and I wanted to be a part of it. Drinking coffee while everyone else was enjoying the pancakes felt party pooperish at best, so I would go ahead and eat the pancakes. And then I would spiral. I'd mentally thrash myself for having so little willpower. My perfect fasting streak was broken. I would start to doubt this strategy would work, and like a good perfectionist, who only sees things in black and white, I would proceed to throw the baby out with the bathwater. By and large intermittent fasting was a great fit for my life – six days out of seven it was smooth sailing. But instead I focused on the one imperfect day. I'd throw my hands up and say intermittent fasting just won't work. I’d quit for a day or so, then I’d get back to it. My inconsistent actions led to inconsistent results. Thankfully it was around this time that I heard Tim Ferriss talking about the idea that you will have better results if you strive to be a B-plus student. The idea was that if you instead push yourself to the A+ you end up expending so much energy and ratcheting up the difficulty so much higher for only marginally better results, which inevitably leads to burnout and quitting. In his book The 4-Hour Body, he pointed to studies that had shown that diet adherence was better when people took cheat days.

I was intrigued. I took this knowledge and applied it to my weight loss strategy in 2016. The biggest blow to my perfectionism came when I instituted a weekly cheat day. The difference it made was immediately apparent. Weight loss was a lot more fun when I knew I always had a day off coming up on Sunday. I wasn't being perfect. I was doing intermittent fasting six days out of seven. That's 85%. Not an A plus, but so much more enjoyable.

Going Off Plan

My cheat day gave me a weekly reminder that I’m a human and that I’m not perfect. That made other problems easier to tackle as they came along. My husband thought it would be a good idea to start having lunch with his parents every Wednesday, right smack in the middle of my fasting window. At first the perfectionist took over – no problem! I'd just politely decline to eat. After all, I was used to fasting. But when I arrived and saw the effort my mother-in-law had put into the lunch, I wanted to be a part of it. So I ate. It was the pancake breakfast scenario all over again.

Luckily, I was having good results with my cheat day in place, which had given me confidence in continuing to do battle with the perfectionist inside me. I decided that my new rule was to go ahead and eat if there was an event that centered around eating in my fasting window. Embracing this led to relaxation and even more enjoyment: instead of sitting there, either stewing because I had been “forced to eat” or resenting the fact that I was missing out on the fellowship, I was simply enjoying the meal and being with my in-laws. My father-in-law passed away in 2021, and I’m so glad that I embraced imperfection and let myself enjoy these interruptions to my intermittent fasting plan. As it turned out, my plan became even stronger, because it was flexible and fit so well in my life.

The Step Goal

My step goal was a place where I was pretty perfectionistic. If memory serves me, I did not take a single day off from my step goal in 2016. I knew consistency was important on the weight loss journey. But I had to learn to let even that streak get broken. See, that's the thing about perfectionism. The streak becomes the focus, to the detriment of everything else. If all you're in it for is the streak, when it's broken (and it will break, eventually) it's much harder to get back to it. The longer the streak, the harder it is to get the motivation to start again, because of how long it will take you to get your streak back to where it was. If you're focused on the streak of getting your step goal, you're missing those things that will get you out there for the long haul. I learned to focus on the positive benefits from walking: my improved mood, increased energy, and the fact that I had less pain. I started taking Sundays off from my step goal in 2019, and I'm glad I did. I feel like it was the last vestige of perfectionism in my plan.

Picking a Goal Weight

Getting down to my goal weight was another exercise in imperfection. The truth is, there is no perfect weight. There will always be trade offs. A lower weight means more difficulty because it means permanently eating less food, or permanently burning more calories. A higher weight may mean a slight increased risk of some diseases, but a slight protective benefit of others. A higher weight is easier to maintain, because you can eat a little more.

I decided to embrace the good enough weight, which was 158 in November 2016. When I decided to get myself into the normal BMI range after I started my YouTube channel, I kept my eyes peeled for tradeoffs. There have been a few. At a lower BMI I have decreased my risk of dying for any reason, statistically speaking. But I’ve also seen that I’m more sensitive to fasting. In the high 150s, if I didn’t eat quite enough at my OMAD, I’d be hungry the next day, but that was all. In the 140s, I tend to get visual migraines if my intake dips too low. Also, I have to mind my Ps and Qs a bit more. I can gain, even when practicing OMAD consistently. In other words, the 140s to low 150s are my “good enough.”

Conclusion

My weight used to yo-yo. I’d get down to a good weight by white-knuckling with a plan that I had convinced myself was the Perfect Plan (No wheat! Low carb! HIIT! 40-30-30! etc., etc.). But whenever I messed up, my weight would shoot back up. Embracing imperfection has given me a proven, workable plan that has stood the test of time.

Yesterday, in the middle of my day, I unexpectedly needed to take my friend to the hospital. It was a day spent mostly sitting, watching, and waiting. I got home at 8:30. My OMAD was fish sticks with ketchup, homemade mac and cheese, and red wine. This was a comforting meal that was satiating and delicious. There wasn’t any fiber to speak of, and it probably lacked various vitamins. As I was preparing to conk out on the couch, I looked at the step count on my G-Shock: 5,696. A far cry from the 14,000 that is my daily goal.

Today is a new day, and as I write this, I’m walking on my walking pad at my desk. Provided no emergency crops up, I’ll hit 14,000 steps before the day is over. I’ll stick to my eating plan for the day (2MAD/two meals a day, since it’s Saturday). And I’ll do my best to eat the right amount of food with a grateful heart.

Battling my perfectionism proved to be an effective way to get the weight off, and keep it off. I’m still maintaining my weight within the normal BMI range, and it’s now been almost 10 years since I hit my initial goal weight. Do battle with your own perfectionism. It is worth the fight.

End Notes:

• You can see my daily weights and 7 day averages from 2015 here.

• To get started on your weight loss journey with intermittent fasting, start here.

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